Orcs

Orcs[Epub] ❦ Orcs By Stan Nicholls – Oaklandjobs.co.uk Look at me Look at the Orc There is fear and hatred in your eyes To you I am a monster, a skulker in the shadows, a fiend to scare your children with A creature to be hunted down and slaughtered like Look at me Look at the Orc There is fear and hatred in your eyes To you I am a monster, a skulker in the shadows, a fiend to scare your children with A creature to be hunted down and slaughtered like a beast in the fields It is time you pay heed to the beast And see the beast in yourself I have your fear But I have earned your respectHear my story Feel the flow of blood and be thankful Thankful that it was me, not you, who bore the sword Thankful to the Orcs born to fight, destined to win peace for all This book will change the way you feel about Orcs forever. I finally finish the daunting masochistic task of reading the 745 pages of crap that this book contains now as promised my review Look I ve read crap in my life but this was just ridiculous if you ever played one of those random RPG games for the Game Boy back in the early 90 s you know what talking about here you get your generic main character an Orc named Stryke, you also get the traditional cookie cutter motley crew of retards Haskeer who is stubborn and stupid and is supposed to be the I finally finish the daunting masochistic task of reading the 745 pages of crap that this book contains now as promised my review Look I ve read crap in my life but this was just ridiculous if you ever played one of those random RPG games for the Game Boy back in the early 90 s you know what talking about here you get your generic main character an Orc named Stryke, you also get the traditional cookie cutter motley crew of retards Haskeer who is stubborn and stupid and is supposed to be the main source of comical relieve Coilla, who steps forward as the mistress in distress in a couple of situations that made wish I was blind or illiterate you also get your wise healer Alfray, who starts showing his skill by cutting off somebody s leg and then cooking it to give the patient strength and a fast recovery Yes, the patient dies anyway and Jub, a dwarf with some racial self pity shame issues but wait there isYou also get another cookie cutter character the evil ruler Jennesta She likes to wear a strap on unicorn horn dildo to refill her magic powers from her ritualistic rapes But wait there isYou also get tour designated Gandalf, a human mage who likes to make clich religious jokes and goes by the name of Serapheim Still wishing I was illiterate After an attack on a random village and stealing and important artifact the Wolverines believe it or not that s the name of Stryke s war band decides to smoke some pellucid this world s equivalent of crack that they find along with the artifact they late because they were getting high and decide to make a run for it so their evil ruler don t get upset, but in their way back they get attack and the artifact is stolen from them in the process of getting the artifact back they discover that is a star shape thingy that has some of awesome powers And that there are 4scattered around the world they gets this information from a scholar gremlin and so they decide to take on a quest of get them all in an adventured that will take the mighty Wolverines to great quests like getting a tear from an megalomaniac selfish bitch in some cave, fight stupid trolls in smelly caves, stealing from Nazi look alike religious freaks and, stupid besieged cities with magical geysers Many times while I was reading this book I started to wonder what horrible thing would I rather be doing instead of reading this book Here is a few of the things I came up with 1 Cover my hand with crazy glue and then sprinkle it with glass chards and then masturbate with it 2 Listen to a Bon Jovi album.3 Talking to that crazy Jehovah witness near the Q38 bus stop.4 Play Final Fantasy X 2.5 Call my mother.6 Running around the tiger mountain on the Bronx zoo while wearing only a raw meat jacket.7 Watch the teletubbies8 Read a harry potter book.9 Cover my genitalia with honey and then walk around naked in a bear cave.10 Watch an entire golf tournament in ESPN.I Alfonso Gutierrez give this piece of crap a 2 out of 5 because of the unicorn horn dildo I was tricked into reading this my copy had a quote on the cover by Tad Williams I adore Tad Williams work and the premise sounded neat Orcs as you ve never seen them or something to that effect , so I bought the book.First problem The writing style drove me up the wall It felt juvenile, with lots of telling rather than showing, and generally the writing seemed clunky and lacked polish Oddly enough, the writing for the dream sequences were an exception they were well written, conveyed I was tricked into reading this my copy had a quote on the cover by Tad Williams I adore Tad Williams work and the premise sounded neat Orcs as you ve never seen them or something to that effect , so I bought the book.First problem The writing style drove me up the wall It felt juvenile, with lots of telling rather than showing, and generally the writing seemed clunky and lacked polish Oddly enough, the writing for the dream sequences were an exception they were well written, conveyed the mood properly, and generally worked well Unfortunately, they were a small fraction of the book.Second problem false advertising The cover promised a new take on orcs, but apparently the author had never heard of Thrall and the Warcraft universe Sorry, but the idea of orcs that have a conscience, have nobility, escape from serfdom this has been done , and frankly done much better.Third problem cardboard cut out evil villain for the sake of being evil, complete with unicorn horn dildo for impaling yeah, nevermind If it weren t for the completely unnecessary sex scenes with extreme though implied violence, I might have suggested that this book was targeted at teens, who might betolerant of this schlock.Fourth problem The last 2 3 pages introduce a completely gratuitous explanation that doesn t fit with the depiction of the characters at all, and ends in a big To Be Continued As if.I will admit that after forcing myself to read the first half of this book I ran out of the backs of cereal boxes , I did find myself moderately invested in the characters and their quest This made the cop out ending evendisappointing than it would have been if I hadn t cared at all I sure would have liked this when I was 14 I should have put it back on the shelf when I saw the lead character s name was Stryke It would have saved me the descriptions of how exotically sexy the half orc sorceress is NOTE TO AUTHORS if you are describing any of your characters pubic hair, you are probably going down the wrong path. SPOILERS AND BAD LANGUAGE BELOW I picked up Orcs by Stan Nicholls again, having bought it a couple of years ago, gotten about a third of tthe way through it and then abandoned to leave it languishing on my shelves And for the life of me, I couldn t remember why.Then I started reading, and by the time I hit the third chapter, I remembered.The good guys in this book are reasonable interesting characters, for all they aren t particularly orc like even if I find the narrative a bit monotonou SPOILERS AND BAD LANGUAGE BELOW I picked up Orcs by Stan Nicholls again, having bought it a couple of years ago, gotten about a third of tthe way through it and then abandoned to leave it languishing on my shelves And for the life of me, I couldn t remember why.Then I started reading, and by the time I hit the third chapter, I remembered.The good guys in this book are reasonable interesting characters, for all they aren t particularly orc like even if I find the narrative a bit monotonous But I can cope with that.The setting is a cross between standard Dungeons and Dragons fantasy and the orcs as featured in the Dominic Deegan webcomic not terribly original, but it s hard to get any fantasy these days that doesn t draw on something, so again, I can cope with that.What I can t cope with Is the main bad guy.Of course, guy is a misnomer here the evil tyrant driving the plot along and sending people after our band of soliders is in fact a female.And acliched, ridiculous and frankly, insulting character, I ve not seen.It was so bad, I actually went back and reread the preceeding chapter, in case this entire thing was an exercise in satire that had managed to pass completely over my head, and therefore this was meantas a commentary on female villans in fantasy and how crap they invariably are rather than an example of one.No no, it would appear I had it right the first time.Allow me to introduce Jennestra.Just to lead in and set the tone here, the outfit she picks out to visit the dragonpens in a dirty, farmyard environment is thigh high leather boots with stiletto esque heels, leather corset, and a bullwhip one selected from her collection of many, might I add.Say it with me now WHATAs a sidenote please tell me why there aren t male equivalents to this I mean not that I could take them seriously, but it would certainly be amusing to see a male villan visit his dairy shed clad in nothingthan ass less chaps, baby oil, and brandishing an ambitiously sized dildo, which he could then shake it at his main cowherder in a suggestive manner to establish his dominance I d buy a book that featured that for the hell of it in fact If nothing else, imagine the conversation in the barn when he s gonePhew, that was close Nah, you were fine Are you kidding Did you see that thing He had it ready lubed Listen, kid, unless he turns up with the double ender, you ll be ok EDIT Someone thought the above was awesome enough to actually do fanart for me Check it out WARNING NSFW Oh, but it gets better Jennestra s magical abilities are powered by sex.But wait There sIt s not just the sex that gives her power, it s that she has to kill them during it, rip out their heart, and eat it while it s still beating.What she s apparently quite fond of is picking someone from one of the tribes who sees sex as bad hello thar Christianity parallels and then seducing them, and cleaving their chest open mid coitus.That s for the men, of course The women that she uses get no such seduction techniques, and are merely screwed to death, courtesy of the unicorn horn she uses as a strap on.Say with me again WHAT Oh, and she keeps having to replace her servants, because she goes through them at such a rate Which makes no sense on a practical level, really, because a good servant takes time to train but that is really the least of what annoys me about them.I m sure it gets worse, but I couldn t read any further sorry folks, I m just not that self sacrificing.Don t bother with this book Seriously, honestly I heard tell it was actually supposed to be part of a series if this is the case, run, far far away I find their alignment too questionable to be able to dub them heroes I read this book for the first time many years ago, so nostalgia probably colours my review Orcs is a great book, and the first of its kind that I read that told the story from the orcs pov I loved all the relentless action and gore, as well as the dark humour laced throughout Yes, the plot isn t all too complex, but the world building was very well done and the fight scenes were the highlight The beginning and the middle of the series were definitely superior to the last third, but the endi I read this book for the first time many years ago, so nostalgia probably colours my review Orcs is a great book, and the first of its kind that I read that told the story from the orcs pov I loved all the relentless action and gore, as well as the dark humour laced throughout Yes, the plot isn t all too complex, but the world building was very well done and the fight scenes were the highlight The beginning and the middle of the series were definitely superior to the last third, but the ending was by no means a deal breaker either I am almost embarrassed to put this on my list I did start reading it I got almost halfway through by sheer perseverance Then, I found myself flipping to the end of the tedious fight scenes to see what happened next Then I realized that about every second or third page, the characters did something so profoundly and inexplicably stupid as to completely distract me from enjoying the story Finally, I threw the book against the wall and moved on to something else If I can ever remember the na I am almost embarrassed to put this on my list I did start reading it I got almost halfway through by sheer perseverance Then, I found myself flipping to the end of the tedious fight scenes to see what happened next Then I realized that about every second or third page, the characters did something so profoundly and inexplicably stupid as to completely distract me from enjoying the story Finally, I threw the book against the wall and moved on to something else If I can ever remember the name of the Barnes and Noble employee who recommended this book to me, I will be giving him a piece of my mind and no mistake Just don t No matter how good the back sounds, just don t. I actually enjoyed this bookthan i expected to, but i was a little let down by the story behind Jennesta and her sisters not what i expected, but i thought they d have a bigger role.Stryke was so obviously Thrall from Warcraft through I got a kick out of this novel It wasn t the best written nor was the topic all that deep, but when it came to amusing me, I enjoyed the heck out of it My biggest issue was the writing the battle scenes were repetitive lots of hacking and slashing starting from one main character and then following the circuit to show the others in their battles And he did this for every skirmish and major altercation it just grew a little dull to me I enjoyed the subject the orcs reminded me of the o I got a kick out of this novel It wasn t the best written nor was the topic all that deep, but when it came to amusing me, I enjoyed the heck out of it My biggest issue was the writing the battle scenes were repetitive lots of hacking and slashing starting from one main character and then following the circuit to show the others in their battles And he did this for every skirmish and major altercation it just grew a little dull to me I enjoyed the subject the orcs reminded me of the ones from Warcraft though the plot wasn t overly complicated In fact, it reminded me of a video game A good video game, but a video game none the less and I m not talking about fantastic games like Mass Effect, but a generic, well put together, linear plot game The simplistic plot and plot devices like A LOT of deus ex and slightly repetitive writing didn t detract too much from the story, I mean, let s face it, the novel is about orcs I liked the characters Stryke had some depth to him and of course I liked Coilla I particularly liked how Coilla was aware of being the only female but tried to ignore that fact What I didn t get was why she was the only female that really isn t explained Where are the other female orcs The other three main characters Jup, Haskeer and Alfray or whatever his name is were rather generic But they were fun, so I can t say I disliked them Janeesta was a pretty interesting villain though a little too over the top She s evil just for evil s sake, I guess She was pretty one dimensional but her brutality was the push for the action, so she played her part Some of the stuff she did was so ridiculous though the unicorn horn The best part was the dialogue The orcs spoke like real people, they used hilarious expressions, and they swore The one thing I hate about fantasy is when the characters talk as if it were a Tolkien novel So a bonus point for Nicholls for using the word fuck This was a fun, fairly quick read for the xmas rush It was so much fun I was able to overlook its flaws, which is why it gets a 4 5 It was a riot Have you ever wanted to read about someone getting beaten to death with their own arms Dirty unicorn sex toys Had you ever even thought about such possibilities If you have then this is the book for you Let me start out by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed this book while I was reading it It reads like a graphic novel It is bloody, gory, sexy, and completely over the top If you are looking for something understated, or feel that reading about glistening entrails caught on someone s halbe Have you ever wanted to read about someone getting beaten to death with their own arms Dirty unicorn sex toys Had you ever even thought about such possibilities If you have then this is the book for you Let me start out by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed this book while I was reading it It reads like a graphic novel It is bloody, gory, sexy, and completely over the top If you are looking for something understated, or feel that reading about glistening entrails caught on someone s halberd is not only unnecessary but gross, you need to quickly put this book down and move on It reads a bit like a graphic novel It s really fun, if you re a bit grim like me, its witty at times, the description is excellent It s a good book for a rainy day The plot is sometimes weak The characters different enough that they are all enjoyable even the evil Jennesta but they aren t too deep Still, you ll become attached This is a great book if you are looking for action adventure fantasy Next to Brent Weeks these are some of the best described combat scenes I ve ever read I particularly like that each orc has a very distinctive combat style that meshes with their personality It s very intriguing that way, and well done It s a very character driven book That all said, I never felt compelled to finish the series Maybe someday when I need another brain vacation on a rainy day Nothing particularly stuck with me except some of thegraphic scenes that I still chuckle to myself about